Picture a quiet evening with your family; everyone is sitting at the dinner table and getting ready to eat. However, nobody is paying attention to each other. The parents are checking texts on their phones, and the children are using their tablets, perhaps playing games or watching YouTube. This image may sadly seem all too relatable for most of us. Thanks to modern technology, we are now more connected than ever, yet somehow less present than before. The sad part is that it’s not just the children who are glued to screens; it’s the adults as well. We tell kids to put their phones down, then sneak a look at our emails under the table.
This is not to say that our smartphones or laptops are completely useless, as they are now a part of our lives that we cannot ignore. These screens have slowly become part of everyday family life, with things like remote work that make the use of technology at home necessary. Additionally, social media, constant news, and group chats make it even harder to put our phones down because these things are designed to keep us hooked to our devices. It really only becomes a problem when we are unable to limit our screen time, and what starts as a way to stay connected blurs into every quiet moment. Not only is it bad for us, but it sets a horrible example for the children around us as well. So how does this affect our children’s idea of connection and attention?
Children often mirror what they observe, not what they are told. You can constantly tell them that too much screen time is bad, but if all they see their parents do is spend time on their phones, they are bound to pick that up. For example, a little girl might mimic her father, pretending to “check emails” on a toy phone, or a toddler might get impatient if denied screen time during meals. Studies from the University of Michigan have found that kids feel less emotionally connected when parents are frequently distracted by phones or tablets. Over time, these things shape how children understand attention and affection as they learn that connection competes with notification sounds.
This happens because our brains aren’t built for constantly switching attention between phones and our children, for example. As we try to divide our focus between the person or child in front of us and a notification or text message, we end up losing patience. Researchers call this state “continuous partial attention,” and it feels like we are doing everything at once, but we’re actually doing nothing at all. Studies from Harvard’s Center on the Developing Child show that steady, responsive connection is what helps children feel secure and confident, and when our focus keeps drifting to screens, that connection weakens.
However, not all hope is lost, and there are ways to combat this situation. Small behaviour changes can make big differences when it comes to limiting screen time for the family. A few ways this can be done, for example, are to have phone-free dinners, even just three times a week, or to have a rule of no scrolling during storytime. Additionally, you can have rules like charging phones outside the bedroom, or even no screens an hour before bedtime. When these small routines are followed consistently, they matter more than big promises and are sure to have a positive effect on how a family connects.
Connection doesn’t always have to be serious or planned, and families can try simple things like cooking dinner together, playing a board game, taking a walk, or having silly bedtime talks. These small moments pull everyone away from screens and back to each other. Even boredom can bring people closer when it’s shared. It’s important to understand that if we want our kids to change their habits regarding screens, we have to change first. Adults have to relearn how to be fully present, and that’s not easy when our phones buzz all day and work keeps us online. These devices are built to grab our attention, so it’s natural to struggle, but we need to start making small conscious changes, as awareness is the first step to reconnecting.
The bottom line is that children are great observers and they learn from what we do, not what we say. So every time we give them our full attention, we are showing love in the simplest form, and those seemingly small moments like laughter at the dinner table or before bed are what they will remember. Now imagine the same family dinner again, but this time everyone’s phones are out of reach and there’s the sound of pleasant conversation and a few giggles. That is what we should aim for when we think about forming connections and healthy habits within our family, and the first step towards that is to become aware of our own shortcomings and start working on them so our children can have a good example to follow.